I don't know if anyone else has wasted their time doing this, but I felt compelled to catalog as many of Trailer Park Supervisor Jim Lahey's shit metaphors. I omitted his use of "shit" as a singular word or when used in typical "shit-words" (bullshit, shit pile, etc.) This list does not include the pilot, specials, or movies as of 6/1/10, but will soon. If you believe I've left out any important ones, let me know. Shit metaphors from other characters and various conversations are also included. All dialogue by Mr. Lahey unless noted. Enjoy the descent into Lahey's shit abyss.
"You started this shitstorm, limpy."
"The old shitliner's coming in to port and I'll be there to tie her up." (The first real shit metaphor, repeated practically verbatim the last episode of the final season)
"He's about to enter the shit tornado to Oz."
" How dare you involve my daughter in your hemisphere of shit?"
"You know what a shit rope is, Julian? It's a rope, covered with shit, that criminals use to hold on to. You see, the shit acts like grease. The harder you try to climb up, the tighter you try to hold on, the faster you slide down the rope, Julian. Straight to jail. "
"The ol' shit clock's tickin'"
Ricky: "Why bother with a couple of shit sticks when you can have the whole shit trolley?" Lahey: "Nice shit analogy, Rick."
"You idiots have loaded up a hair trigger double barrel shit machine gun and the barrel's pointed straight at your own heads."
"We're in the eye of a shiticane here! Ricky's a low shit system!"
"I'm watching you like a shit hawk, Julian. Like a shit hawk."
"When you keep getting pelted by shit balls, Deputy, you gotta get a shit bat."
"Randy, the shit pool is getting full. We better strain it before it overflows and causes a shit slide that could cover this entire community. I will not have a Pompeiian catastrophe happening in Sunnyvale." (Randy:) "That was lava, not shit, Sir." (Lahey:) "Don't get smart with me, Randy, it's cop talk. Listen and learn."
"You guys would risk prison for these shit idiots?"
"We gotta nail those shitiots."
"Look what you got, Randy. Shit stormtroopers. "
"Captain Shitacular is raising shit in Sunnyvale."
"Well, Ricky, it looks like you cooked your shit goose this time."
(Erica:) "Ricky is a shit leopard that can't change his spots."
"When a shit apple falls from a tree and grows up in a field of shit, it doesn't have any choice, just like Trinity. She's gonna grow up to be a shit apple tree, just like her father."
"How long's it gonna take your cop girlfriend to figure out you can't change the spots on a shit leopard?"
(Officer George Green:) "Never cry shitwolf."
"Those two shit rats just pissed on forty dollars worth of eclairs at the bake sale."
"We know there's an animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town."
"He who looks into the abyss realizes there's nothing looking back at him and the only thing he sees is his own shadow, Ricky. You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?"
"There's no fool like an old fool...the shit abyss..."
"It's some kind of distraction from those shitniks."
"He grew up as a little shit spark from the old shit flint hen he turned into a shit bonfire and then, driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, he turned into a raging shit firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb, I'll have total control of Sunnyvale and then I can unleash a shitnami tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shit flames forever. And, with any luck, he'll drown in the undershit of that wave....shit waves."
"I'm about to extinguish your little shit flames forever."
"They're little shit puppets, Randy, performing in our shit play."
"The winds of shit are in the air."
(Randy:) "I can't believe Trinity's throwing bottles, Mr. Lahey." (Lahey:) "Shit apple."
"Randy, you see that? Goddamn shit apple driving a shitmobile."
"I used to drink, but I got the shit monkey off my back."
"Listen, we don't want to cause any shit talk here, boys. Matter of fact, I've been thinking about shit a lot less these days. Seeing as how I stepped in so much over the last few years, I'm sick of shit. Sick of shit."
"You just opened Pandora's shit box, Ray."
"Shit snares...he'll walk right into my shit snares."
"Shit moths, Randy. They started out as little tiny shit larvae, and then they turned into shitapillars, a pandemic of shitapillars. Everywhere you look, Randy, shitapillars. I tried to put an end to the shitapillars life cycle, but I failed. And now? Shit moths."
"Birds of a shit feather flock together."
"I live by one golden rule: You don't cross my shit line, I don't cross your shit line. But when he told everybody that I was drinking, he crossed the goddamn shit line."
"Sometimes it's better to let a shit tree grow than to shake the shit fruit out of it."
"Get your shit basket out, we're about to start harvesting."
"You know what a shit barometer is, Bubbles? It measures the shit pressure in the air. You feel it? Listen, Bubs, hear that? The sound of the whispering winds of shit. You will, my sorry friend. when the shit barometer rises, you'll feel it too. Your ears will implode from the shit pressure....shit winds are a-comin'."
"(Trevor) You better step off, Mr. Lahey." "(Lahey) Step off what, Trevor?" "(Trevor) Shit ledge."
"When I'm drinking, their shit guards are down. I'm going to show up at the Cheeseburger Picnic and pretend to be drunk. And why? Shit guards, Barb. Shit guards.
""What's at work here is shit tectonics. When two shit plates strike and come together under incredible prssure, what happens, Bubbles? Shitquake."
"Birds of a shit feather, Ted."
"Time to put the gloves on, we got two shiny shit badges to get rid of, and it's gonna get messy."
"You crossed the shit line, George. You crossed the shit line."
"I sense a shit derailment coming."
"Who's your little shit friend in the wig?"
"Ahoy, shitliner! Shitliner's coming into port and guess who's here to tie her up?"
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
My dear mother dropped off a book for me to read called "I See Rude People" by Amy Alkon. I read about 85% of it today, and it's actually a pretty inspiring read. Whether or not all of her tales of revenge are true or not is debatable, but the point of the book seems to be that one need not just sit back and tolerate the endless flow of bullshit and fuckery that one's fellow man dishes out on a daily basis. Her main enemies are cell phone shouters, telemarketers, and parents that let their children run rampant. I, too, disdain these groups, but due to my hermit-like lifestyle, I encounter so few people that I haven't had a good chance to avenge any slights lately. Recently, I had the chance to just give a tiny bit of fuckery back. My life tends to exist in my house, at work, and on the road between the two. Unfortunately, the road between the two is littered with idiots. The young men populating the neighborhood between my house and work seem to have some sort of aversion to sidewalks. Always in the street. When I ride my bike to work during the tolerable months (few and far between,) I am forced to either ride on the ill-lit highway or take the back street that is overrun with gangs of thug-kids on their bikes that enjoy intimidating and blocking riders like me. This time of year, the bike gangs aren't out yet, but the street saunterers are out. I'm driving along, and all of a sudden, about ten feet in front of me, a large black guy, in a black coat and black pants appears, walking in the right lane, facing away from traffic. This wasn't the first time, or the second, or the twentieth I've had to avoid street saunterers, but the first one who just appeared out of nowhere. I swerved to avoid him, nearly wrecking my beloved Altima on cars parked on the other side. My mind reeled at the sheer stupidity and self-importance this asshole possessed. I briefly debated the pros and cons of throwing the car into reverse and teaching him a skull crunching lesson, but the Altima doesn't deserve it, and I doubt they serve guacamole and Nutty Bars in prison. I fumed and cursed, wondering where the fucking cops were when I needed them. Not 20 seconds later did I spy an Iowa City cop (friends to all) coming at me in the opposite direction. So many thoughts flew through my mind, chiefly this: Has it come to this? Am I now a fun hater? A tattletale? .... A....narc?....Fuck yes, I am. I stopped in the middle of the road, flagged that crime stopper down and asked him kindly to go fuck with that guy's life. I don't know what happened, and frankly, I don't really care, but it was the first time in a long time that I had been fucked with and been able to do something about it, however trivial, whiny, and probably fruitless. So, back to Alkon's book. She takes a camera everywhere she goes, so dicks in traffic, ladies who change their kid's shitty diapers in restaurants, and jerk-off chowderheads with cell phones can have their pictures posted online. I'm going to start doing this and I suggest you all do the same. We're all savages when no one's looking, but if everyone thinks someone's looking, we might be able to enjoy civilization. Alright, that wasn't a very exciting first blog, but I plan to keep coming back, at least weekly, with tales of dipshittery and arbitrary rage. If I can figure out how to do it, I'll be posting other shit, too.